27th December
I am actually writing this in my underpants it is that
freaking hot. There’s an image for you all! It is also Thursday, normally too
early for the blog writing but so much has happened that I thought if I don’t
get it down I’ll forget it – or forget more than I already have.
Merry Christmas everyone by the way.
So Tuesday was Christmas eve and we were staying in Dedza. I
actually posted the blog that day, but did not write about it.
(Our shower in Dedza made with the potteries tiles)
We decided to visit some rock art. It’s a bit like cave
paintings to be fair. It also one of Malawi’s two UNESCO world heritage sites –
the other being the Lake. Anyway we drove down a dirt road towards what the
guide book describes as ‘the large four rock outcrops’. Now the topography
(caution we’ve gone highbrow!) of Malawi breaks down into two distinct
categories. Flat fields and big rock outcrops. There were tens of these ‘big
outcrops’ so being brave we stopped and asked for directions and eventually we
found it. A local man introduced himself as a guide and as soon as you could
say ‘my guide’s called MPatso’ we were off up the side of a mountain to site
number 7. Long story short..too late…the white paintings were done by the Chewa
people around 2000 years ago, and the red were done by Pygmies even further
back – Mpatso claimed it was 10000 years ago but we were not convinced. There
are 8 sites in all but we only saw 6 of them due to two being quite a way away.
It was really interesting but partly saddening. They are not very well looked
after and you can tell some of them are being washed away by rain and erosion.
You should be able to make out the lion jumping out of the rock
We then explored the town of Dedza which was a one road
town, but had a very nice lunch.
Christmas day arrived but Santa didn’t get the memo, and
there were no presents…..booo, but we weren’t bothered because we were off to
Lilongwe for a Capital Christmas lunch (see what I did there – comedy genius!).
I also used the fatefully phrase of it’s Christmas day so there should be less
police around. Fast forward about 50 kilometers and I was pulled over for
speeding. I would like to point out that this official was corrupt and only
wanted to get money for Christmas. I would like to point it out but I can’t as
I was in fact speeding and I got a very official looking receipt. Luckily they
don’t do points here.
Onwards we crawled, observing all the road restrictions to
arrive at the largest city in Malawi. To be honest it wasn’t much too look at.
A sprawling mass of shops and markets, but there were the occasional nice
building and green forest area. There is actually a forest reserve in the
centre. But Buchanans Bar and Grill was the only place for us. Our Christmas
dinner broken down like this;
Starters – C Smoked Salmon P Baked Camembert
Main – Buffet of roast and mash potatoes, turkey, gammon,
steak, lamb, creamed spinach, beans and sweet potatoes. I had everything, Pam
was a bit more reserved.
Desert – C Apple crumble and ice cream P Toffee
Washed down with – Bottle of ‘Champagne’.
(Us with our party hats on)
It was delicious! The location was a lovely nursery as well
so as tradition dictates we went for an afternoon stroll after dinner. We then got told off by the military guard at
the Parliamentary building for taking a picture. Oopps,
Boxing day was a sedate affair with a meander around the
pottery factory, purchasing some goods and then we drove to destination two of
the holiday tour – Mua Mission. Now I
shall pause here a moment to refer back to my earlier comment about topography.
Some of the rock outcrops are larger than others and the road (S127 to be
precise) is one of the best I have ever been on. It crosses a ridge that runs
down the spine of Malawi and the weaving tarmac laid out before you with the
view of the lake on you left and the plains running away on the right was
something to behold. I must confess as well that as we approached some corners
I did pretend I was on my motorbike. Seriously Anton/Stuart google the S127 in
Malawi. A.Maz.Ing.
Anyway our progress was halted further by the Constabulary
of Malawi – this time through no fault of mine but that of Her Excellency the
venerable honourable and very honest President Joyce Banda. Yes all the roads
shut when she wants to come through.
We arrived at Mua Mission, which is an old catholic mission
and it is a bit of a mixed bag. Nestled in a forest of trees with a river
running through it is very hot and very humid. But the cultural centre is
excellent and we have learnt a lot about the history of the country. Also they
have the worlds largest collection of Guli Wamkulu masks. Those are the masks
worn in the traditional dances you usually see in Indiana Jones and films like
that. Well each dance is specific to the mask worn and the act out a scene or a
theme from their culture. To be fair like all things most are to do with sex!
The chalets where we are staying are all named after one, we live in the
warthog house. The pigging things are everywhere (told you…genius!) towel rail,
pictures, even the door has one carved into it. And of course the mask that
sits outside.
(Me and Chinkhombe)
Mini STATMAN
Minutes waiting for joyce - 40
Cars in here cavalcade – at least 20
Number of masks in museum
- over 400
Speeding fine – 5000 MK (about 8 quid)
Speed – 72 in a 50 (still a barren nothingness where we were
though!)
2nd January 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Wow. Where do I begin. Well I am sitting back at my house in
Mitsidi in Blantyre and the Christmas new year tour of Malawi has come to an
end. I have a nice cup of tea as well. I am not sure whether to go back to the
beginning or go backwards from here. Hmmm.
The trip from Mua to Cape MacLear only had one noteworthy
incident and that related to the one junction we had to take – we missed it. In
our defence the Malawi road signs are not great. On entering the village where
the junction was we passed a dirt track with the sign. Assuming that the tarmac
started on the other side of the village we took it. And it went on and on and
on. We were so lost inside this village driving between houses and a railway
line that some man stopped and asked where we were trying to get to. He then
cycled us through the village to the road. Turns out they built a new road past
the village but hadn’t taken the old sign down.
Cape Maclear was not as relaxing in reality as we had billed
it in our head. It was full of tourists for the new year party – mostly South
Africans or Europeans.
First day was spent seeing friends who we were meeting
although all left before new years eve. It was good our friend the mechanic was
there though as our neighbours car broke again.
I was chief assistant mechanic and as we are attempting to
fix this car a group of kids gather to watch us. No biggy. Until one, about 14
or so, collapses next to us, frothing at the mouth and fitting. I used my boy
scouts first aid training to good use by calling Pam. Smickey, my neighbour
who’s car we were fixing scooped the boy up put on the khonde in the shade next
to us and him and the mechanic carried on the with the car. Is that okay I thought?
I checked he was still breathing and recovering position and all that, until
Pam showed up. It was at this point as Pam was looking him over Smickey pipes
up, he’ll be fine, he does this all the time he’s my nephew! Thanks for telling
me Smick! Apparently in the heat of the moment he had said it but in Chichewa,
so Mr Mechanic knew but I didn’t.
New Years eve was the usual where shall we go. We decided
the 5000 Kwacha entrance fee to Gecko was too much being that was around ten
beers and went to the bar where DJ Des 1 was spinning the iPod wheel of steel
(Smickey’s brother) At 11 I decided to try and get into Gecko to see what it
was like. Security was tough but with a confident air and a swagger in my step
I walked along the beach passed two bored looking men and walked in the rear
which is open to the beach. I was glad I didn’t spend 5000 on it. It was
rubbish sooooo many people and crap electronic dance music. So back to DJ Des
for the big 12 o’clock.
There was the usually hugging and well wishing, no Auld
Laungs Ayne, but they did have fireworks. Now I think fireworks are new to
Malawi, at least they know nothing of safety. So there were Malawians on the
beach firing some up and some horizontally across the lake at the boat that was
firing them up as well as horizontal at the beach. I’m not sure which incident
was worse, the firework that landed inside Gecko or the one that failed to take
off from the boat! It was like a low budget African Star Wars.
If you are wondering where Pam was in all of this she was sensible and went to bed, so I followed Sarah who knows the area to Thomas’ a bottle
store. Basically it looks a little like an American pawn shop. One side, the
bar, is sealed off with a hatch in it, the rest is a square room with benches
round the outside and a jukebox stuck on the wall. That’s it but for the next
two hours I was dancing round with my new best Malawian friend because he
pointed out we had the same shoes. The music collection was eclectic to say the
least, there were old African beats that all the locals knew, new African beats
that even I knew mixed in with Vengaboys, Enrique Englasias, Eminiem and a host
of others. Quality!
The next morning people were wishing me happy new year and a
lot of them seemed to know me – to be fair I recognised a few of them and I
even remembered the name of the lad with the same shoes.
New Years day we took a boat out to Thumbi Island and yes Pam
went swimming again. She has been swimming back home as well! Helen (neighbour
and Smicks other half) and I went off and found a very large rock to dive off
and wasted most of the afternoon there, until late afternoon where we went to
the badly named ‘Otter’s Point’. Apparently there are otters there, we saw
none.
Random point of the whole time was when we were introduced
to Alan, who was a lovely man who owns a safari tour company and used to own
our car many years ago!
And so today we drove back, with a stop off for ice cream
(very few places do it over here) and we are back. But we still have some
cheese and wine to be consumed and don’t have to be back at work for another
four days so the party can continue for a little longer!
STATMAN
Kilometres covered on tour - 820
Beds stayed in – 3
Bars drunk in -11
Nights away – 11
Friends made – many
Amount of Malawi seen – 34.7%
Number of mosquito net arguments – 9
Number of times pam fell over getting out of a boat – 1
Number of times stopped by police - 12
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